one.

i’m a hypocrite. i always encourage my friends to talk about their mental health when i don’t really even talk about my own. i’m quite surprised how long it’s taken me to talk about my own mental health outside of my friends. and even then i barely spoke to them about it all. i guess it’s still a shock that i have bipolar & anxiety and depression. who would have thought?

i’ve let my depression and anxiety take over my life for far too long. i lost all motivation and started spending more time alone. i stopped caring about things i once loved, and i had these overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and sadness. which didn’t make sense to me because i always knew i could turn to my friends if i needed them. 

but why didn’t i? 

maybe i was embarrassed. as a result, i push everyone away. i though it meant i was broken, weak or damaged, and that it defined who i was as a person. i’m supposed to be the supportive friend. i’m supposed to be a shoulder to cry on. so, i kept it hidden away as much as possible, even though everyone around me knew the truth. it only took the constant panic attacks for me to really get help, and i can’t even begin to explain how they feel. 

i’m blessed to have amazing friends, people that care about me and check up every now and then. friends that don’t smother me and don’t patronise me. friends that respect my space and know that when i need them i can go to them. so i never understood why i still am not comfortable speaking to them about what i’m going through. i don’t want to be a burden, i don’t want them worrying constantly and I certainly don’t want them to know what i think about doing every single day, it’ll terrify them. i can’t do that to them. maybe that’s why i find it best to do it alone. 

depression and anxiety had made me feel weak, unworthy of love, lonely, hopeless, lost, stuck and powerless. it’s made me feel like my life wasn’t worth living and that there is no way out. i’ve hit rock bottom, i don’t recognise myself anymore.

it’s not all sadness though. i think that’s everyone’s misunderstanding of what depression is. i’m 99% of the time numb to any emotion. i don’t get happy anymore nor do i get angry. i sigh and and accept the situation because i haven’t got the fight anymore to keep bothering. i’m hollow, but i won’t be for much longer

i still will preach that mental health is the most important thing in the world. it should take priority above all others and if reading what you just read should show you is to seek help as early as possible because it’s a quicker journey back. 

GAIN KNOWLEDGE. SPEAK TO SOMEONE. SEEK HELP.

three simple steps and you’re already on the road to recovery. I’ve left some links of sites i used and ways that i started to deal with my health back in 2015 and again now in 2018 after 3 years of avoiding it all.

www.anxietyuk.org.uk

www.bipolaruk.org.uk

www.mind.org.uk

www.nopanic.org.uk

www.samaritans.org.uk

thank you for reading, i hoped that i could help at least one of you. please contact me if you need help. i am a message away. 

until the next one 

brian